“I’ll Be Fine Once Things Calm Down” – The Carer’s Promise

Many carers tell themselves the same quiet promise:

“I’ll look after myself when this settles… when the tests are over… when the hospital discharges them… when the next crisis passes.”

The difficulty is that long-term conditions, ageing and dementia rarely “go back to normal”. There are calmer weeks and harder weeks, but the caring continues. If you always wait for the perfect moment to rest, that moment may never arrive.

Instead of waiting for life to stop being demanding, it can be more realistic – and much safer – to build your own health into the plan from the start. Not as a luxury, but as one of the critical pieces of the system that keeps everyone afloat.

How Caring Affects Your Body and Mind (Even When You Feel “Fine”)

Carers often brush off their own symptoms. They may say “I’m just tired” or “It’s just my age”. But caring can change your body in ways that creep up slowly:

Physical strain

• Helping someone in and out of bed, chairs or the bath can quietly strain your back, knees and shoulders.
• Broken sleep, night-time checks and early starts can disturb your hormones, blood pressure and appetite.
• Skipping meals or living on quick snacks can affect blood sugar, energy and mood.

Emotional strain

• Worry about the future can become a constant background noise, even when things are stable.
• Grief for the life you both used to have can sit side by side with love and duty.
• Hidden resentment – “Why is this all on me?” – can grow if it’s never spoken about safely.

None of this means you are failing. It means you are human. Your nervous system has limits, just like your muscles and joints. The more honestly you can notice those limits, the earlier you can ask for help – before your caring role suddenly breaks down.

Rest Is Maintenance, Not an Indulgence

Many carers are suspicious of rest. They may have grown up in families where sitting still was called laziness, or where older people were praised for “never complaining”. But in engineering terms, rest is maintenance – the time when a system cools, is checked, and returned to safe working order.

For a carer, maintenance can look like:

• Having a protected sleep routine as much as possible – even if that means asking others to cover some nights.
• Having one small part of the day when you are not “on duty” – even 15 to 20 minutes where you are not listening for every sound.
• Taking micro-pauses in the day: three slow breaths before answering the phone, a stretch while the kettle boils, a quiet moment by an open window.

These may sound small, but repeated daily they help your body and brain to reset. Without them, stress chemicals have no chance to settle, and your risk of illness, depression and accidents gradually increases.

Why Hobbies and Interests Are Part of the Care Plan

When caring is heavy, hobbies are often the first thing to disappear. You may find yourself thinking, “I used to enjoy gardening / knitting / football / choir… but I don’t have the time or energy now.” It can feel wrong to be doing something enjoyable when the person you care for is unwell.

However, your hobbies and interests:

• Give your mind a different channel, reducing the constant focus on illness or crisis.
• Help protect your identity, so you are not only “the carer” but also “the friend / musician / gardener / reader”.
• Provide natural conversation topics that are not just about tablets, tests and appointments.

You do not need to return to every activity you once loved. Instead, ask: “What is one small piece of that world I can keep?” For example:

• If you used to enjoy long walks, perhaps you keep a 10-minute stroll around the block at a regular time.
• If you loved choir, you might hum along to favourite songs while doing the dishes, or join an online singing group.
• If you enjoyed reading, you might switch to short stories, poems or audio books you can dip into between tasks.

Health Checks for Carers – Things to Keep an Eye On

It is easy to attend every appointment for the person you care for and quietly ignore your own. But if you collapse, the system around them may struggle to cope. Looking after yourself includes:

• Regular blood pressure checks – high or low blood pressure can increase stroke or fall risk, especially when you are rushing or lifting.
• Medication reviews – especially if you are on painkillers, sleeping tablets or medicines that cause dizziness or drowsiness.
• Sleep and mood checks – prolonged poor sleep and low mood are common in carers and can respond to support, talking therapies or adjustments.
• Joint and back pain – early advice from physiotherapists, GPs or occupational therapists can prevent long-term damage.

Preventing Falls and Injuries – For You as Well as the Person You Care For

When professionals talk about falls, they often focus on the older or frailer person. But carers are also at risk: you may be the one rushing upstairs, lifting shopping, twisting awkwardly to catch someone, or stepping over clutter while tired.

To protect yourself:

• Make clear pathways between the rooms you use most, removing trip hazards like rugs, wires and low stools.
• Use stable furniture and grab rails to help the person you care for stand, rather than being their “human walking frame”.
• Keep frequently used items (pans, plates, medications) at waist height so you are not constantly bending or reaching.
• Ask about equipment – such as sliding sheets, raised toilet seats or shower chairs – that can reduce strain on your body.

Micro-Rest Routines You Can Actually Use

Many self-care articles tell carers to “take a spa day” or “book a weekend away”. For some people these are helpful. For many, they are unrealistic. Instead, PHAT focuses on micro-routines you can weave into ordinary days:

1. Three-breath reset

Before answering a difficult phone call, opening a letter or going into a stressful room, pause for three slow breaths:

• In through the nose for a count that feels comfortable.
• Out through the mouth slightly longer than the in-breath.
• Drop your shoulders gently on each out-breath.

2. Kettle stretch

While the kettle boils:

• Place your hands on the kitchen counter.
• March gently on the spot or roll your shoulders in slow circles.
• Look out of the window or at a calm picture rather than at a pile of chores.

3. “Good enough” meal check

Once a day, ask: “Have I eaten something with some colour, some protein and some fluid?” It does not need to be perfect. A simple plate of eggs on toast with tomatoes, or soup with bread and a glass of water, is much better than going all day on biscuits and tea.

Using PHAT Sessions as Part of Your Own Care Plan

PHAT’s gentle Zoom sessions are designed with carers in mind as well as older adults living with long-term conditions. They offer:

• A regular slot in the week where you can move, stretch and breathe with guidance.
• Short, digestible pieces of health education you can apply to both your own life and the person you support.
• A sense of being seen not just as “the relative” but as a person with a body, mind and future of your own.

You can join sitting or standing, with your camera on or off. Some carers attend from the same room as the person they care for; others slip into another room for a little privacy. Both are welcome.